Thursday, January 5, 2017

The Pain She Was Born With. !!

The pain She was born with. 
She was made of pain. 
She smile to the world, and cry in closed doors. 
She lives a life which she has no meaning.
She try to fix things and mess it all up over and over again. 
She is tired being good. 
She feels that being good has only caused her pain. 
The pain she was born with. 
She cried and cried, and got tired crying. 
She is lost. 
She is hurt. 
She wants to die. 
She is fighting a fight that no one knows every night. 
She is lonely, but doesn't want anyone to share this life with. 
She lost hope. 
She has standards, high standards.
She still feels lost.
She is full fear. 
She is feared what the future holds for her. 
She is fighting a battle that no one knows.
She wakes up. 
She put a smile on her face and keep walking. 
She, when the sunsets her insecurities creeps in. 
She feel lost. 
She is bold.
She is honest. 
She is true. 
She is lost. 
She is strong. 
She tells herself, you have come a long way. 
She is the best in world. 
She is humble. 
She is good. 
She knows her worth.
She is lost. 
She doesn't understand life. 
She is lost. 
She is unique.
She is like no other. 
She doesn't feel that she can share. 
She feels betrayed. 
She feels expected. 
She feels let down. 
She feels miserable. 
She cries. 
She walks and she act life it's perfect. 
She is full of pain. 
She hates life. 
She acts life she is living it with love. 
She feels unloved. 
She knows she is unlucky. 
She knows she deserve much better. 
She knows she worthy of happiness. 
She still feels that she would never see that. 
She is starting to hate herself. 
She only knows to love everyone. 
She doesn't feel loved.
She is full of pain. 
She is strong. 
She is brave. 
She keeps going. 
She doesn't want hope. 
She doesn't wish more happiness. 
She wants an end to this mystery. 
She wants death. 
She knows those who want death, death won't so mercy on them. 
She is tired. 
She is tired pretending to smile. 
She is tired of life. 
She wants the peace. 
She wants the end.
She knows she isn't even lucky to have the end. 
She will wake up and live a life that no one knows. 
She pity herself. 
She feels pathetic of herself. 
She is so fragile. 
She knows her worth. 
She is strong. 
She is going to keep living. 
She knows that pain is part of her. 
She knows that she will live and die in pain. 
She is so sensitive. 
She feels that no one single person cares of her. 
She knows that she has more loved ones than anyone. 
She still feels lonely. 
She is lost. 
She looses hope when the sunsets. 
She hopes she can keep fighting. 
She hopes this pain end some day. 
She is in pain. 
She hopes for a end to this miserableness. 

She woke up. 
She and lived her routine.
She realized how she lost the importance of herself. 
She said she is gonna live this life. 
She said she is gonna make every moment count. 
She said she is gonna have fun. 
She said she is gonna trip. 
She said she is gonna educate herself. 
She said she is gonna gain more knowledge.
She said she is gonna be undeniable. 
She said she is gonna rule her own kingdom. 
She said she will keep moving. 
She said she will never give up on herself. 
She said to herself, love you more than anyone else. 
She said be selfish. 
She said be that girl everyone admires to be. 
She said be the Queen. 
She said act like a Queen and don't just say it. 
She said she will make it count.
She said all the pain, all the fights is not to give up.
She said she will lead.
She said she will rule.
She said she will be praised.
She said she will be admired.
She said she will be inspired.
She said she will be loved, and feel loved.
She said will proof herself.
After all she is knows what she is made up, and how worthy she is.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Thought of Killing Myself

Have you ever thought of killing yourself?  "Thought of Killing Yourself" I blogged this on 10th June 2013 based on the death of late actress Jiah Khan.

Three years past, and as i mentioned on that article of course the thought of killing myself have crossed my mind several times. This will take a turn from every word i mentioned on that article 3 years back.

Right now, my feelings is Oh i wish i could die !! This pain is too much for me, and i can't take it. Why do i have to take it? For what? For Whom?

At this very movement i feel like killing myself, trust me i went took my vegetable knife and tried cutting myself. Not a scratch don't worry !!
Yes it maybe not right to leave the loved ones behind and go kill myself thinking it is permanent peace, after all it might not turn out to be what I expected.
Thou this thought cross my mind more frequently i can only try and analyze it even further as i am surely not capable of killing myself, but every cells on my body sometimes thinks that would be permanent peace from the temporary pain.

Putting my feeling down in words gives me a closure, I am typing this, while crying, while thinking, while analyzing.

I myself believe i am blessed to have a life like this. I am loved by many. Mostly my friends just an amazing bunch i got.

I have my close friend, i often tell him i am not afraid of death if death comes next second i will be more than happy to welcome it. It doesn't always happen the way we want isn't it. There are times that i got hours of lectures that i should change my mentality and should know that i would be leaving behind too many people in pain. And i will be huge loss for them. While that makes me feel valued and blessed to know that i have friends who love me too much.

The moments passes, i guess whenever i felt the pain of killing myself. I felt that there is not a single soul in this earth who understand the pain i go through. Maybe thats what happened to Jiah maybe she felt the same.

Knowing everything i know, I am the girl who says give the night i will okay by the morning. And yes when the sunrises reality hits. I got to get ready and face the world. Being busy is good that way, and hence why i still work where i work. I have to go for work face the day. Thats good. And when i am surrounded with people i have to act in a way that they feel comfortable. I will be forced to fake smile and laugh and the pain eases and the days passes.

The problem with me is that i am inherently a very deep person. I guess when you are someone who is too deep, it's just not good for you. I am good for everyone, but i am just not good for myself. I am my own weakness.

It's too much of my feelings to talk about, and this my end of a book. I, in my life give the liberty for others to be themselves. But when it comes to me people a judgy. Would be selfish to personalize that but this world as whole is judgy.

Ever since i was 11, i started figuring out how my mind works, and i started living my life in my terms. I am always seen as honest, straightforward and sometimes a mean person because i speak out my feelings. I guess the problem with honest people are that they are honest and they think everyone is honest. Everyone is not, it took time for me to realize that. And it also took time for me understand that I AM WHO I AM, i tried, tried, and i am still trying to be one of those people who can fake is and make it. But i cannot and i know it. There has been instances some people i met along this journey observed me and told me BE YOURSELF, NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND. I always replied, lucky for you i always tried changing but i gave up on myself, i know i am incapable of being one of those out there.

Being One of a kind, may sound amazing but living that life that people can never understand is a living hell. Its haunting nights which burdens the soul.

I would never kill myself, but i can assure myself the THOUGHT OF KILLING MYSELF would strike me again and again and i would have to live with it.

I guess it comes down to the person WHO I AM, and i am Different which maybe seem good, like i said i am my own weakness no one to blame. Its how my mind works, its how i think, its how i act, its how i talk. While i love doing what i do, i don't end up pleasing the world. In my defense i don't do anything to hurt you. I am only minding my own business, why do you want me to live a life that you want for me. Why do want me to live my life in a way that pleases you. Why is it so hard for people to accept people THE WAY THEY ARE.

Knowing all what i know, I know that i am my own weakness, well that's right. I hate to blame it on someone else even if its someone else causing the pain. I like to take the ownership of being effected by their words that me being myself. Its DIFFICULT my life is, and i believe it will always be. I am okay with it, because i know. I can only understand MYSELF.  My mind works weirdly unfortunately there is no way to fix the way i think, or act.

The THOUGHT OF KILLING MYSELF is not in my mind for the moment, all it took is the few minutes i could write my feelings.

May the Thought of Killing Myself creep in and creep out. :)

Saturday, April 30, 2016

What is Beautiful?

What is beautiful?

On one hand there is fair and lovely, on the other hand there is Dark is beautiful which I believe this whole campaign is about trying to make us South Asians convince that Dark is ALSO beautiful.
It has always been on my mind, why in South Asian movies the heroine is always fair, if I think about it last time I saw a brown skin girl taking lead was 2 decades ago. Even if a brown skin girl is casted for movie nowadays two movies later she will fall into the fair category.  With all that money can buy, now money can buy lighter skin color too. Have you ever wondered? Why all female leads are fair? Why all models are fair? Why marketing requires fair women walking half naked? I have always thought about it.

Specially if you are someone who has grown up watching tamil movies, you would have wondered why? When there is 10 girls walking and hero will fall in love with only fair girl among them? Well I did visit South India few times, I have seen very less fair women around and if there were most of them weren’t South Indian to begin with.

The question arises why, why is only FAIR lovely? Why do a group of people who had been through color discrimination start a campaign called Dark is Beautiful. So what is beautiful? They say beauty is on the eyes of the beholder, then why would 80% of South Asians consider fair as beauty.
Color discrimination has always been there, but why?

All these days I was so confused and was thinking it’s the media who that has brought the wrong perception of what’s beautiful, by casting fair skinned people in advertisements, movies. But I realize media is business to make money you got to give what people want to see. What do people want to see? I have all these days thought about it, the film directors are themselves dark most of them but when it comes to casting they choose a fair skinned person. Maybe I was wrong, that media has influenced people into thinking fair is lovely. Now I feel it’s the people who work in used media has used that platform to say fair is only lovely. Well most of them are men, and it’s about their likes and dislikes, and their likes has always been fair women and to attract the market they think that’s what people would want to see. Forgetting that they are discriminating opportunities to women who deserves it better.  Forgetting that they themselves are part of the dark community, by them not embracing themselves and embracing something that they find beautiful.  They are bringing a lot of insecurities in the heart of beautiful souls.

Most females go through arranged marriage even in this century, but why most dark skinned girls get rejected.  To all men out there who reject woman on the basis of dark skin color, it’s your own choice but why reject on the basis that she is color.
What’s the use of the color if she can’t understand you?
What’s the use of the color if she can’t trust you?
What’s the use of the color if she leaves you?
She can be dark, but she can be fair in heart, fair in her mind, fair in her thoughts.

I personally will not get offended if someone rejects me because I am dark, but I do will feel sad and emotionally down because he couldn't find fault with anything else in me, like my personality, my character, behavior, my dreams, my achievements, my lifestyles.  Don’t you think if two people get married they will not just have live with each other’s color but all of these on what basis you could have rejected me on.

What happens if you get married to you a fair girl, but still have a dark baby girl. Will you leave her at the hospital, will you want that for your daughter. Or when she grows up tell her she is dark, make her feel insecure of her own self and what give more sales for FAIR and LOVELY.
Why is being dark only a problem in our community. Why is dark not perceived as beautiful?  Even thou the literacy rate is increasing I find it really hard to see people who don’t fall white lies the world is painted with.

I am trying to understand why dark is not perceived beautiful, and I am thinking of various reasons it could be. Opposites attract maybe all dark man are attracted to fair woman.  Then there is celebrities, these actresses who are paid to walk and talk just not to be real but to be a doll, they spend millions on self care because that’s they know with age their beauty will vanish and they will be nowhere to be seen.  Men dreaming for beautiful woman like Katrina Kaif could be there reason they won’t a fair wife. Well I still have never met a girl who looks like her, sometimes people will have to think reality. All these actresses just google their photos without makeup. Then maybe just dig deeper and check how much they spend on manicure, pedicure and skin care. Then think even if you get a fair wife can you effort it, can you even effort a percentage of what they spend. Trust me everything the woman you fantasize does, they get paid for it. To smile, walk, wave, shake because that’s their profession. And Trust be as a real photographer he might tell bring me anyone I will make her look like an actress. Apart from the ten layers of makeup, there is team of hair stylist, beauticians and photographers working on their looks.  Fair is lovely only because the dark man cast the fair woman and then there are some dark man working on all these looks.

I remember a boy telling me few weeks back he got his girl friend a whitening cream for Rs 11,000. She sure did get fairer but why. There can always be insecurities, I can feel insecure about myself but I don’t think someone else has the right to make me feel insecure.

What’s happening today is, this society that we live in is not inspiring people but its inspiring insecurities. By not thinking clearly with an open mind. Does skin complexion really matter? I shall leave it you all men and women around the globe, taking the upper hand. Make decisions that inspire people to do the right thing, it’s true that money can buy fairness; it’s true fairness generates more income. But making people feel insecure about them being themselves. Is it all worth it? Is it all worth inspiring what is not real? Is it all worth inspiring what everyone can’t effort to?
To those who endorse fairness creams for money, you maybe and inspirational figure but trust me you are not inspiring. To those who make great movies, you may be a great director but you still are not saying the stories of the majority. To those who make money out of making people insecurity I am sure you will keep earning because a fool shall endorse you and million fools shall fall for you.
It starts within you. It starts with choice of words. It starts you understanding only 1% of this world lives in that world of fantasy. It starts with you being brave enough to embrace yourself. It starts with you giving an opportunity to talent and no being biased on skin color. It starts you knowing you are one of people you are discriminating. Look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see yourself as? Does what color you are determines who you are? Go break walls.

My thoughts on how fair is only perceived as lovely (If a million people believe in a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing – Anatole France)

-          Shobija  1st May 2016 1:30 am



Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Hassan Weds Zahra

The girl he always wanted,
The girl he never gave up on, 
The girl he waited for, 
The girl his set friends did everything so he could get her. 
And when she said yes, it was not the joy of one person but a gang of friends.
And today he is getting married to her 

We are so happy for you Inamul Hassan.



Time flies but experiences remain... Good Bye 2014

Here comes the end of my most challenging year of my life, 2014.

My confidence level has grown to a greater heights, because you were shitty most of the time and i enjoyed hitting you back left, right, and center.
It has been an awesome learning, i wont forgive, forget nor regret each minute of this year.
I am looking forward to a new year, while welcoming all what you can bring on me.
Being sure i will be ready face 2015 with a smile, because that's life and shit gets harder when you grow old. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

TRUST & HEARTACHE

TRUST comes with this one word a lot of heartache.
I can only assure you that i am a trustworthy person, believing on my words is upto you. Then again i am giving it you on writing......!!
Okay so since i declared myself a trustworthy person,  i want you to trust me when i say DON"T trust anyone... Uhm Yeah "Easier said than Done" 

I have been telling to myself for atleast 10 years now, don't trust anyone.  Easier said than Done isn't it, cause i never followed. 

You should at-least know a few things about me to understand what i am trying to tell you.
I am a born Hindu and still a Hindu, who went to disciplined Christian school, i have uncountable number of Muslim friends and i'm from Sri Lanka.  I know to respect people and their religions.
My parents never forced me Hinduism nor any religion all they and my school taught me is to be a good human being. So i have all the traces an ordinary human would have, i have soft heart that falls in love with people only seeing their good instincts and hence i tend  start caring for them, help them when there in need going out of my league and without me realizing i start trusting them. As i always keep saying myself "DON'T trust anyone" and i only realize that i trusted someone when they hurt me intentionally. Well yes this had happened to me quiet a number of times and all of them who hurt me were my dear dear friends who meant everything to me.. Well that was what i was telling to myself and my dear dear friends that they mean so much to me than anyone else. But things had changed now cause people i grow up with learning how to trust started betraying me.
Which hurts as much as  your boyfriend dumping you for no reason... I guess. !!

If you had asked me then, whom do you trust most, i might have mentioned a few friends names but now if ask me that question i would say "Shobija" yeah thats me.  I have learnt it the harder way and experiences count.

With my experience in getting heart broken a number of times i'm sure i have learnt a thing or two. I would keep teltwing again and again to not trust anyone, and i still would never take my advice like i'm now even though i learnt it the harder way.

I'm sure betrayal hurts everyone and yes it does for me too. When someone break my trust i cry my eyes out for someone who isn't worthy of the water fall of falling from my eyes. And then come my trust issues my heart is so fragile that i have no room to trust anyone while i am losing faith on friendship. But then with the all minor and major heartache precisely only 2 out of 10 people i valued had broken my heart. So i then i realized why should i not trust the remaining 8 people because of 2 and why should i make them feel hurt like i am now.

No matter what people are gonna hurt you. 
So with my experience i can use this most told quote " If you're expecting the world to be fair with you because you are fair, you're fooling yourself. That's like expecting the lion not to eat you because you didn't eat him."   
Only way to save heartache is
1. Expect less
2. Don't stop loving others, cause if 2 broke your heart 8 can fix it.
3. Life is experience and heartache now and then when growing up teach you to depend more on you than anyone else.
4. Trust is essential and however much you deny it, there can be no true
love without trust. 
5. You always need friend to get over the shit another friend put you through.
                                                                                                                                      -xoxo Shobija


Sunday, July 27, 2014

Childhood friends, Best friends, Good friends, all my friends in my own world.

 I can never fight with you,
 And it's so  hard for me to live without you,
 I am found with all our memories together,
 Our crazy days and nights,
 We spend together, 
 We ate together,
 We slept togther,
 Spoke hours and hours over the phone,
 That ist easy to forget those little little things we did together,
 Those crazy ideas we came up with in our childhood,
 Those dreams to end up as a scientist, 
 We grew up together,
 Our ideas changed, 
 Our views changed,
 We had to move on for some good reason,
 We werent ready to accept that we are moving apart,

 Now a new world for me and for you,
 Everything seemed to look new,
 Oh yes, we just got to face the world, 
 All these days we were in small circle,
 We wouldnt know anyone but us,
 But now it's time for a new experience,
 It was very hard for us to miss eachother,
 We didnt have anyway way to contact eachother,
 Sometimes you call and we speak for 20 mins,
 Sometimes we write letters and ask friends pass it to bestfriend,
 Whatever happens, Can these memories be ever erased ??

 Still i was like a kid, 
 There were days i cried thinking of you in my new school, 
 Writing your names in my table,
 Lying my head down and thinking of you,
 You are so special in my life and will always be,

 Now the i started to get to know people in my new world,
 I was trying to make friends but it was hard for me,
 Everyone look at me as a stranger,
 And yes i was a stranger to this world,
 I manage and learn to miss friends,

 My nights became shorter,
 It was all skype, skype skype,
 Conference calls talking about how we miss eachother,

 Then when days past everything started to fall in place, 
 New friends, teaching me new words,
 Make me cry, " mummy"
 Laugh at me, 
 Sir says make her cry she cant face the world if she is like that,
 I was a tubelight,
 Many said i am Immature,

 But when days and nights past,
 Everyone strated liking me,
 I got some really good friends who care for me,
 Meantime, we had our own dramas,
 Again some to call as soon asi reach home to speak for hours,
 After all we spoke for the whole day at school,

 Again then i started having best time of life,
 Which i tought i would never have without you all,
 Till then all what i know is you,
 Differnet Differnet set of friends,

 Again Some friends,
 Who trust me,
 Who think i am crazy, 
 Who really miss me,
 Who's glad that i  became a part of their life,

 I was always in a little cirlce, 
 You my friends taught me,
 What the real world look like.
 And How cunnning the real world is,
 You made me not to be blind,

 Now still,
 I am like a kid,
 I am immature, 
 But a person who know the world by not.
 Just looking, 
 But experiencing

 If i dont talk to you it may,
 Mean that i am angry with you,
 Be because we dont have time for eachother,

 The world is bigger than we think,
 And we have our own set of different friends,
 But that will never mean that we are not friends,
 I am always there for you, 
 A call is more than enough,
 And i know you are always there for me.

  I can never hate you, 
  I am never a person who can hate you, 
  Even if i am angry with you i will still miss you,
  You my friends are more important to me,
  I happy that i have met you and we are still friends,

 No matter what,
 Who you are? 
 You may not look cute as yu looked before,
 You may not be rich as yu were before,
 But i am there to 
 Only love you for what you are.......
                                                                            - Shobija
                                                                               17th August 2011