Have you ever thought of killing yourself? "Thought of Killing Yourself" I blogged this on 10th June 2013 based on the death of late actress Jiah Khan.
Three years past, and as i mentioned on that article of course the thought of killing myself have crossed my mind several times. This will take a turn from every word i mentioned on that article 3 years back.
Right now, my feelings is Oh i wish i could die !! This pain is too much for me, and i can't take it. Why do i have to take it? For what? For Whom?
At this very movement i feel like killing myself, trust me i went took my vegetable knife and tried cutting myself. Not a scratch don't worry !!
Yes it maybe not right to leave the loved ones behind and go kill myself thinking it is permanent peace, after all it might not turn out to be what I expected.
Thou this thought cross my mind more frequently i can only try and analyze it even further as i am surely not capable of killing myself, but every cells on my body sometimes thinks that would be permanent peace from the temporary pain.
Putting my feeling down in words gives me a closure, I am typing this, while crying, while thinking, while analyzing.
I myself believe i am blessed to have a life like this. I am loved by many. Mostly my friends just an amazing bunch i got.
I have my close friend, i often tell him i am not afraid of death if death comes next second i will be more than happy to welcome it. It doesn't always happen the way we want isn't it. There are times that i got hours of lectures that i should change my mentality and should know that i would be leaving behind too many people in pain. And i will be huge loss for them. While that makes me feel valued and blessed to know that i have friends who love me too much.
The moments passes, i guess whenever i felt the pain of killing myself. I felt that there is not a single soul in this earth who understand the pain i go through. Maybe thats what happened to Jiah maybe she felt the same.
Knowing everything i know, I am the girl who says give the night i will okay by the morning. And yes when the sunrises reality hits. I got to get ready and face the world. Being busy is good that way, and hence why i still work where i work. I have to go for work face the day. Thats good. And when i am surrounded with people i have to act in a way that they feel comfortable. I will be forced to fake smile and laugh and the pain eases and the days passes.
The problem with me is that i am inherently a very deep person. I guess when you are someone who is too deep, it's just not good for you. I am good for everyone, but i am just not good for myself. I am my own weakness.
It's too much of my feelings to talk about, and this my end of a book. I, in my life give the liberty for others to be themselves. But when it comes to me people a judgy. Would be selfish to personalize that but this world as whole is judgy.
Ever since i was 11, i started figuring out how my mind works, and i started living my life in my terms. I am always seen as honest, straightforward and sometimes a mean person because i speak out my feelings. I guess the problem with honest people are that they are honest and they think everyone is honest. Everyone is not, it took time for me to realize that. And it also took time for me understand that I AM WHO I AM, i tried, tried, and i am still trying to be one of those people who can fake is and make it. But i cannot and i know it. There has been instances some people i met along this journey observed me and told me BE YOURSELF, NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND. I always replied, lucky for you i always tried changing but i gave up on myself, i know i am incapable of being one of those out there.
Being One of a kind, may sound amazing but living that life that people can never understand is a living hell. Its haunting nights which burdens the soul.
I would never kill myself, but i can assure myself the THOUGHT OF KILLING MYSELF would strike me again and again and i would have to live with it.
I guess it comes down to the person WHO I AM, and i am Different which maybe seem good, like i said i am my own weakness no one to blame. Its how my mind works, its how i think, its how i act, its how i talk. While i love doing what i do, i don't end up pleasing the world. In my defense i don't do anything to hurt you. I am only minding my own business, why do you want me to live a life that you want for me. Why do want me to live my life in a way that pleases you. Why is it so hard for people to accept people THE WAY THEY ARE.
Knowing all what i know, I know that i am my own weakness, well that's right. I hate to blame it on someone else even if its someone else causing the pain. I like to take the ownership of being effected by their words that me being myself. Its DIFFICULT my life is, and i believe it will always be. I am okay with it, because i know. I can only understand MYSELF. My mind works weirdly unfortunately there is no way to fix the way i think, or act.
The THOUGHT OF KILLING MYSELF is not in my mind for the moment, all it took is the few minutes i could write my feelings.
May the Thought of Killing Myself creep in and creep out. :)
Three years past, and as i mentioned on that article of course the thought of killing myself have crossed my mind several times. This will take a turn from every word i mentioned on that article 3 years back.
Right now, my feelings is Oh i wish i could die !! This pain is too much for me, and i can't take it. Why do i have to take it? For what? For Whom?
At this very movement i feel like killing myself, trust me i went took my vegetable knife and tried cutting myself. Not a scratch don't worry !!
Yes it maybe not right to leave the loved ones behind and go kill myself thinking it is permanent peace, after all it might not turn out to be what I expected.
Thou this thought cross my mind more frequently i can only try and analyze it even further as i am surely not capable of killing myself, but every cells on my body sometimes thinks that would be permanent peace from the temporary pain.
Putting my feeling down in words gives me a closure, I am typing this, while crying, while thinking, while analyzing.
I myself believe i am blessed to have a life like this. I am loved by many. Mostly my friends just an amazing bunch i got.
I have my close friend, i often tell him i am not afraid of death if death comes next second i will be more than happy to welcome it. It doesn't always happen the way we want isn't it. There are times that i got hours of lectures that i should change my mentality and should know that i would be leaving behind too many people in pain. And i will be huge loss for them. While that makes me feel valued and blessed to know that i have friends who love me too much.
The moments passes, i guess whenever i felt the pain of killing myself. I felt that there is not a single soul in this earth who understand the pain i go through. Maybe thats what happened to Jiah maybe she felt the same.
Knowing everything i know, I am the girl who says give the night i will okay by the morning. And yes when the sunrises reality hits. I got to get ready and face the world. Being busy is good that way, and hence why i still work where i work. I have to go for work face the day. Thats good. And when i am surrounded with people i have to act in a way that they feel comfortable. I will be forced to fake smile and laugh and the pain eases and the days passes.
The problem with me is that i am inherently a very deep person. I guess when you are someone who is too deep, it's just not good for you. I am good for everyone, but i am just not good for myself. I am my own weakness.
It's too much of my feelings to talk about, and this my end of a book. I, in my life give the liberty for others to be themselves. But when it comes to me people a judgy. Would be selfish to personalize that but this world as whole is judgy.
Ever since i was 11, i started figuring out how my mind works, and i started living my life in my terms. I am always seen as honest, straightforward and sometimes a mean person because i speak out my feelings. I guess the problem with honest people are that they are honest and they think everyone is honest. Everyone is not, it took time for me to realize that. And it also took time for me understand that I AM WHO I AM, i tried, tried, and i am still trying to be one of those people who can fake is and make it. But i cannot and i know it. There has been instances some people i met along this journey observed me and told me BE YOURSELF, NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND. I always replied, lucky for you i always tried changing but i gave up on myself, i know i am incapable of being one of those out there.
Being One of a kind, may sound amazing but living that life that people can never understand is a living hell. Its haunting nights which burdens the soul.
I would never kill myself, but i can assure myself the THOUGHT OF KILLING MYSELF would strike me again and again and i would have to live with it.
I guess it comes down to the person WHO I AM, and i am Different which maybe seem good, like i said i am my own weakness no one to blame. Its how my mind works, its how i think, its how i act, its how i talk. While i love doing what i do, i don't end up pleasing the world. In my defense i don't do anything to hurt you. I am only minding my own business, why do you want me to live a life that you want for me. Why do want me to live my life in a way that pleases you. Why is it so hard for people to accept people THE WAY THEY ARE.
Knowing all what i know, I know that i am my own weakness, well that's right. I hate to blame it on someone else even if its someone else causing the pain. I like to take the ownership of being effected by their words that me being myself. Its DIFFICULT my life is, and i believe it will always be. I am okay with it, because i know. I can only understand MYSELF. My mind works weirdly unfortunately there is no way to fix the way i think, or act.
The THOUGHT OF KILLING MYSELF is not in my mind for the moment, all it took is the few minutes i could write my feelings.
May the Thought of Killing Myself creep in and creep out. :)
