Thought of Killing Myself

Have you ever thought of killing yourself?  "Thought of Killing Yourself" I blogged this on 10th June 2013 based on the death of late actress Jiah Khan.

Three years past, and as i mentioned on that article of course the thought of killing myself have crossed my mind several times. This will take a turn from every word i mentioned on that article 3 years back.

Right now, my feelings is Oh i wish i could die !! This pain is too much for me, and i can't take it. Why do i have to take it? For what? For Whom?

At this very movement i feel like killing myself, trust me i went took my vegetable knife and tried cutting myself. Not a scratch don't worry !!
Yes it maybe not right to leave the loved ones behind and go kill myself thinking it is permanent peace, after all it might not turn out to be what I expected.
Thou this thought cross my mind more frequently i can only try and analyze it even further as i am surely not capable of killing myself, but every cells on my body sometimes thinks that would be permanent peace from the temporary pain.

Putting my feeling down in words gives me a closure, I am typing this, while crying, while thinking, while analyzing.

I myself believe i am blessed to have a life like this. I am loved by many. Mostly my friends just an amazing bunch i got.

I have my close friend, i often tell him i am not afraid of death if death comes next second i will be more than happy to welcome it. It doesn't always happen the way we want isn't it. There are times that i got hours of lectures that i should change my mentality and should know that i would be leaving behind too many people in pain. And i will be huge loss for them. While that makes me feel valued and blessed to know that i have friends who love me too much.

The moments passes, i guess whenever i felt the pain of killing myself. I felt that there is not a single soul in this earth who understand the pain i go through. Maybe thats what happened to Jiah maybe she felt the same.

Knowing everything i know, I am the girl who says give the night i will okay by the morning. And yes when the sunrises reality hits. I got to get ready and face the world. Being busy is good that way, and hence why i still work where i work. I have to go for work face the day. Thats good. And when i am surrounded with people i have to act in a way that they feel comfortable. I will be forced to fake smile and laugh and the pain eases and the days passes.

The problem with me is that i am inherently a very deep person. I guess when you are someone who is too deep, it's just not good for you. I am good for everyone, but i am just not good for myself. I am my own weakness.

It's too much of my feelings to talk about, and this my end of a book. I, in my life give the liberty for others to be themselves. But when it comes to me people a judgy. Would be selfish to personalize that but this world as whole is judgy.

Ever since i was 11, i started figuring out how my mind works, and i started living my life in my terms. I am always seen as honest, straightforward and sometimes a mean person because i speak out my feelings. I guess the problem with honest people are that they are honest and they think everyone is honest. Everyone is not, it took time for me to realize that. And it also took time for me understand that I AM WHO I AM, i tried, tried, and i am still trying to be one of those people who can fake is and make it. But i cannot and i know it. There has been instances some people i met along this journey observed me and told me BE YOURSELF, NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND. I always replied, lucky for you i always tried changing but i gave up on myself, i know i am incapable of being one of those out there.

Being One of a kind, may sound amazing but living that life that people can never understand is a living hell. Its haunting nights which burdens the soul.

I would never kill myself, but i can assure myself the THOUGHT OF KILLING MYSELF would strike me again and again and i would have to live with it.

I guess it comes down to the person WHO I AM, and i am Different which maybe seem good, like i said i am my own weakness no one to blame. Its how my mind works, its how i think, its how i act, its how i talk. While i love doing what i do, i don't end up pleasing the world. In my defense i don't do anything to hurt you. I am only minding my own business, why do you want me to live a life that you want for me. Why do want me to live my life in a way that pleases you. Why is it so hard for people to accept people THE WAY THEY ARE.

Knowing all what i know, I know that i am my own weakness, well that's right. I hate to blame it on someone else even if its someone else causing the pain. I like to take the ownership of being effected by their words that me being myself. Its DIFFICULT my life is, and i believe it will always be. I am okay with it, because i know. I can only understand MYSELF.  My mind works weirdly unfortunately there is no way to fix the way i think, or act.

The THOUGHT OF KILLING MYSELF is not in my mind for the moment, all it took is the few minutes i could write my feelings.

May the Thought of Killing Myself creep in and creep out. :)

What is Beautiful?

What is beautiful?

On one hand there is fair and lovely, on the other hand there is Dark is beautiful which I believe this whole campaign is about trying to make us South Asians convince that Dark is ALSO beautiful.

It has always been on my mind, why in South Asian movies the heroine is always fair, if I think about it last time I saw a brown skin girl taking lead was 2 decades ago. Even if a brown skin girl is casted for movie nowadays two movies later she will fall into the fair category.  With all that money can buy, now money can buy lighter skin color too. Have you ever wondered? Why all female leads are fair? Why all models are fair? Why marketing requires fair women walking half naked? I have always thought about it.

Specially if you are someone who has grown up watching tamil movies, you would have wondered why? When there is 10 girls walking and hero will fall in love with only fair girl among them? Well I did visit South India few times, I have seen very less fair women around and if there were most of them weren’t South Indian to begin with.

The question arises why, why is only FAIR lovely? Why do a group of people who had been through color discrimination start a campaign called Dark is Beautiful. So what is beautiful? They say beauty is on the eyes of the beholder, then why would 80% of South Asians consider fair as beauty.

Color discrimination has always been there, but why?

All these days I was so confused and was thinking it’s the media who that has brought the wrong perception of what’s beautiful, by casting fair skinned people in advertisements, movies. But I realize media is business to make money you got to give what people want to see. What do people want to see? I have all these days thought about it, the film directors are themselves dark most of them but when it comes to casting they choose a fair skinned person. Maybe I was wrong, that media has influenced people into thinking fair is lovely. Now I feel it’s the people who work in used media has used that platform to say fair is only lovely. Well most of them are men, and it’s about their likes and dislikes, and their likes has always been fair women and to attract the market they think that’s what people would want to see. Forgetting that they are discriminating opportunities to women who deserves it better.  Forgetting that they themselves are part of the dark community, by them not embracing themselves and embracing something that they find beautiful.  They are bringing a lot of insecurities in the heart of beautiful souls.

Most females go through arranged marriage even in this century, but why most dark skinned girls get rejected.  To all men out there who reject woman on the basis of dark skin color, it’s your own choice but why reject on the basis that she is color.

What’s the use of the color if she can’t understand you?

What’s the use of the color if she can’t trust you?

What’s the use of the color if she leaves you?

She can be dark, but she can be fair in heart, fair in her mind, fair in her thoughts.

I personally will not get offended if someone rejects me because I am dark, but I do will feel sad and emotionally down because he couldn't find fault with anything else in me, like my personality, my character, behavior, my dreams, my achievements, my lifestyles.  Don’t you think if two people get married they will not just have live with each other’s color but all of these on what basis you could have rejected me on.

What happens if you get married to you a fair girl, but still have a dark baby girl. Will you leave her at the hospital, will you want that for your daughter. Or when she grows up tell her she is dark, make her feel insecure of her own self and what give more sales for FAIR and LOVELY.

Why is being dark only a problem in our community. Why is dark not perceived as beautiful?  Even thou the literacy rate is increasing I find it really hard to see people who don’t fall white lies the world is painted with.

I am trying to understand why dark is not perceived beautiful, and I am thinking of various reasons it could be. Opposites attract maybe all dark man are attracted to fair woman.  Then there is celebrities, these actresses who are paid to walk and talk just not to be real but to be a doll, they spend millions on self care because that’s they know with age their beauty will vanish and they will be nowhere to be seen.  Men dreaming for beautiful woman like Katrina Kaif could be there reason they won’t a fair wife. Well I still have never met a girl who looks like her, sometimes people will have to think reality. All these actresses just google their photos without makeup. Then maybe just dig deeper and check how much they spend on manicure, pedicure and skin care. Then think even if you get a fair wife can you effort it, can you even effort a percentage of what they spend. Trust me everything the woman you fantasize does, they get paid for it. To smile, walk, wave, shake because that’s their profession. And Trust be as a real photographer he might tell bring me anyone I will make her look like an actress. Apart from the ten layers of makeup, there is team of hair stylist, beauticians and photographers working on their looks.  Fair is lovely only because the dark man cast the fair woman and then there are some dark man working on all these looks.

I remember a boy telling me few weeks back he got his girl friend a whitening cream for Rs 11,000. She sure did get fairer but why. There can always be insecurities, I can feel insecure about myself but I don’t think someone else has the right to make me feel insecure.

What’s happening today is, this society that we live in is not inspiring people but its inspiring insecurities. By not thinking clearly with an open mind. Does skin complexion really matter? I shall leave it you all men and women around the globe, taking the upper hand. Make decisions that inspire people to do the right thing, it’s true that money can buy fairness; it’s true fairness generates more income. But making people feel insecure about them being themselves. Is it all worth it? Is it all worth inspiring what is not real? Is it all worth inspiring what everyone can’t effort to?

To those who endorse fairness creams for money, you maybe and inspirational figure but trust me you are not inspiring. To those who make great movies, you may be a great director but you still are not saying the stories of the majority. To those who make money out of making people insecurity I am sure you will keep earning because a fool shall endorse you and million fools shall fall for you.

It starts within you. It starts with choice of words. It starts you understanding only 1% of this world lives in that world of fantasy. It starts with you being brave enough to embrace yourself. It starts with you giving an opportunity to talent and no being biased on skin color. It starts you knowing you are one of people you are discriminating. Look at yourself in the mirror. What do you see yourself as? Does what color you are determines who you are? Go break walls.

My thoughts on how fair is only perceived as lovely (If a million people believe in a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing – Anatole France)

-          Shobija  1^st May 2016 1:30 am